God's Amazing Grace on Abortion
Jennifer’s story
I remember my second abortion. I was a single mom, and I was about 14 weeks along. The first abortion had occurred right away. I missed my period, and I was at the clinic two days later. I made it out like it was nothing. The second time I couldn't convince myself this wasn’t a real baby. I remember walking down the sidewalk to the abortion clinic. A woman was walking towards me. It was really cold outside, and she was wearing a coat. When she moved next to me, she whipped this plastic fetus womb out of her jacket. She yelled at me, "You're going to kill your baby! Don't kill your baby!" I was so startled. I walked faster to get away from her. Before that, I was so sad, fearful, and anxious but, after our encounter, my countenance hardened. My heart felt like a sinking stone falling to the bottom of the ocean. I knew what she said to me, and about me, was true. After my encounter with her, I felt nothing. She had condemned and judged fairly. I kept walking.
The Planned Parenthood site says, “Serious long-term emotional problems after an abortion are rare.” This is 100% false. No one walks away unscathed from this type of trauma and being a participant in our own child’s harm. It’s exactly as God told me one day during my healing process, “When you choose to end your child’s life, a part of your heart dies with them.” It’s not a punishment. It’s a sad fact that we don’t always realize in the moment. Thankfully, there is total healing available through Christ’s healing touch.
I thought about that woman on the sidewalk recently. Had she met me on that sidewalk and said something like, "Hey, my name is ‘Janey.’ I want you to know that I am sure this is a really hard day for you. I want you to know that I love you and God loves you. Your baby is precious and special. Whether you have this baby, or not, God will always love you. If I can ever help, or if you need someone to talk to, here’s my number.”
I don't know if the change in her approach and words would have altered my path that day. I really don't. Because when I made up my mind back then, it was very hard to change it. What I do know is that my heart wouldn't have hardened but, instead, would have been broken into a thousand pieces by her unconditional love and words of kindness in the face of my depravity. A seed of unconditional love would have been planted in the ground of my broken heart that day of God’s amazing grace.
In condemning me, Janey was doing what she thought was best by focusing on the baby’s life with her words being weapons of truth, but I don't know. I didn’t feel loved but what could I expect when I was about to do this awful thing to another human. I can imagine that she was doing what she thought was best to stop sin and the harm of an unborn and precious little life. I know I didn't feel loved or even convicted. I felt judged and condemned, rightfully so.
Healing
I was playing soccer with my son one day about three years after my second abortion. I kicked the ball and it hit him in the stomach. He doubled over and, at first, I thought he was laughing. I walked over to him as he rolled on the ground. My kick had knocked the wind out of him and hurt him. I stood there and I felt nothing. Not concern. Not sadness. He recovered from the kick and then I felt my heart open up again. My mind cleared, and I quickly asked, “Are you okay?”
Later that night, I asked God why I reacted that way. I loved my children more than my own life, but I had felt nothing in that moment. I heard in God’s still small voice, “When you choose to end your child’s life, a part of your heart dies with them.” The voice was not condemning, but matter of fact, and I felt His love even in this truth. I didn’t feel shame at the words but a deep knowing in my heart of conviction. Part of my heart was no longer living. Sure, I was living and breathing, but I carried the death of my children with me.
My daughter and I decided to go to the movies. The movie was called “Bella.” Normally, I look at reviews but I went in not knowing a thing about it. The movie was about a soccer star driving and accidentally hitting a precious little girl named Bella with his car. He “got away with it.” However, his conscience would not allow it. I cried quietly throughout most of the movie. Bella’s mother was bereft. This was a value in this little life. The loss of Bella changed everything for her. Bella was part of her mother. Bella was special. She was so loved and her absence left a void in this world.
As I walked through my healing with God, he showed me that both of my children I chose to abort were little girls. I have a theory that we, as moms, know our children in our Spirit before we have our babies. My generations past did not value women and this probably had some legal right and influence in my decision. But God called my daughters valuable and precious. One day, as I was healing, I asked God if he could tell my little girls that I was sorry for not valuing them and choosing to end their lives. I heard precious little girls’ voices fill my head, “Momma, we love you. We forgive you and we are waiting on you in heaven.” I wish I could say right now that tears weren’t running down my face as I write those words but it would be a lie. Unconditional love. Their forgiveness and love will always touch my heart. My sense of loss will not end on this earth. A piece of my heart is already in heaven with my both of my girls who are waiting on me. I look forward to our reunion.
Psalm 119:88 says, “Revive me according to Your loving kindness…”
God has healed a lot of my heart, and is still, revealing and reviving what I lost when my children died. If you have made the choice to have an abortion, I want you to know that you are loved by God beyond what your precious heart can contain or even fathom. There is hope. There is healing. He can make all things new. Just keep putting your hand in His, especially on the days where you don't feel like you deserve it. It’s gonna be okay. God's promise.
Revelation 21:5 NLT
And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.”
Experiencing God’s Grace
God’s grace is to redeem and restore what has been lost and stolen. I’ve seen a pattern in my life. This is the ‘beauty for ashes’ and ‘joy for my mourning’ part of my story. God actually sends me on divine missions and appointments to pray with and plant seeds of love in women who are considering abortion. Why would God ever choose to bestow this honor upon me after what I’ve done? Why wouldn’t God choose someone who valued life and had a pure heart in this area? Each time He said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
I don’t claim to fully understand the depths of God’s grace but I know that I was blind and He caused me to see. I can tell of His goodness and grace and unconditional love. His great sacrifice for me and my true heartfelt repentance has made me blameless in His sight. My girl’s are in Heaven and their sacrifice is not in vain. He works all things together for our good and His glory. Whatever the enemy has stolen, has to be paid back when we entrust our losses to God.
I'm sharing this with you out of obedience because I don't want to be telling this story. I don't like this sad part of my beautiful and amazing God story and there's no way to make this part of it fun, witty or catchy. I’ve received so much peace and healing but while I walk this earth, I believe this ache in part of my heart will remain until I am reunited with my babies in Heaven. But when I think about His grace, I can’t help but smile. “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound. He saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I am found. Was blind, but now I see.” —lyrics by John Newton
Reflection for Christians:
Love opens the door to a heart. I asked God for perspective on the frenzy of the woman I met on the sidewalk. He showed me that her panic would be similar to someone trying to stop another person from being hit by a train. She wanted to save the baby! Even though her actions were not effective in stopping me from taking that next step, she did all she knew to do, but the baby was dead and my heart was hardened in the process.
I asked God how it would be different if the woman came to me in peace, truth and love as I mentioned earlier. In this instance, Janey, would have been like God’s ambulance. She might not have changed my mind, a part of my heart would die if I chose the death of my child, but my heart would have remained soft even if it was broken into a thousand pieces. His love would have remained with me. God’s love through her would have been a seed planted in fertile ground. In my own experience, it was His great kindness that led me to repentance. Love truly is the key to unlock a heart.
With the pro-life movement, we want to change someone’s mind in their decision in that moment, but this is the long game. According to Care Net Research, four in ten women who have abortions are churchgoers and 73% claim a Christian religion preference even if they aren’t attending church at the time of their abortion.
If a woman is at an abortion clinic, she doesn’t love herself. I tell you about this time in my life so you will remember, yes, there is a precious baby but there is also a daughter who God created as well and he loves her unconditionally. If that girl knew she was loved, she would not and could not do that to her own child. When we know we are loved and we have truly received it, we can't continue down that path. Knowing we are loved is a process. In this process, love might not stop the next step of sin. We can't ever say abortion is okay because it is horrific violence, but we can plant that seed of love in a woman’s heart that will, in God’s time, bear fruit. We need to ask God to have a love for not only the innocent baby but also for the mom. There are two involved, and they both die in different ways at the hands of abortion..and not one of them will fall to the ground apart from our Father knowing it.
Matthew 10:29-31 ESV Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.
Know your enemy.
You might say, “Well, I can’t agree with sin. Truth and justice are important!” Yes, of course they are! but the greatest of these is love. When we fight, we fight for the foundation of truth to be established in this earth and in our laws not against each other. We aren’t warring with flesh and blood. Don’t you know the enemy wants us to turn on each other? We have a unique opportunity in our lifetime to stand for truth with justice and actually have our laws changed to protect the unborn. It’s not going to work if we are divided though. There is a godly army that unifies and comes together as a body when we know our real enemy.
Philippians 2:2 “Make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.
Questions:
In your own life experiences, do you identify more with the woman on the sidewalk or with the woman who is choosing to sin?
What emotions did you feel while reading this story?
Sadness
Judgment
Compassion
Curiosity
Blame
Disgust
Condemnation
Fear
Anger
Peace
God’s Presence
Challenged
Unsettled
A Shut Down Heart
You can pick more than one or choose another word that describes how you feel.
Journal.
Journal with God about any emotions that came up and ask God to show you His heart. If you have experienced an abortion as one in four women have, begin today to allow God’s loving light in to heal your heart. Tell him about it in your journal. Continue to dialogue with Him. He will bring the healing your heart needs to beat fully alive again. Ask Him, how He can turn these ashes into beauty. Your children(s) lives can still bear fruit as you bravely share your story when the opportunity comes.
Prayer:
Jesus, help me see from your heavenly perspective. Fill my heart with your love, forgiveness and truth. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Help me to be your hands and feet to stop this grievous sin from harming your precious little ones. Show me your perfect way as only You can, God. In Jesus name I pray.