Walking Through the fire
Walking Through the Fire
Gayle and I bonded over a love for our boys and soccer…and prayer. Gayle is quiet, wise…beautiful. She is a true prayer warrior. The kind of friend that if you ask her to pray you have full confidence that she will actually do it! I wanted to put pen to paper (or keyboard to screen;) about the miracles God has done for Gayle. We sat down and she allowed me to ask her some questions about a miraculous season of her life. The enemy tried to take the wife and mom of 3 out. Gayle and I realized while we were sitting there that we were meeting on February 15th. The day after she was diagnosed eleven years earlier. Coming into her 12th year. God’s timing is so perfect and He is much more in control than we think.
Me: Is it hard for you to share this story?
Gayle: No, not at all. After it happened, I told God I would never say no to Him on sharing it. I will not be ashamed. I will tell what He did for me. He saved my life.
Me: What is most memorable about that season?
Gayle: I had brain surgery before Easter weekend eleven years ago. Going into surgery, they told us 3-4 hours. Twelve hours later my family was still waiting in the waiting room. The tumor was so big the doctor had to take a chunk out of my cranium but that wasn’t a surprise. We knew the tumor was big. What was a surprise was the tumor had grown fingers and wrapped itself around all these tiny nerves in my brain. These nerves were the size of a strand of hair. If they cut any one of those fine nerves, I would lose my hearing, parts of my vision, a number of unpleasant things. The surgeon had to unravel them by hand and it took time.
To keep my head straight during surgery, they had to screw my head in place and I lost all the fluid that protects my brain from jostling around. I was in the ICU post surgery and was required to lay in one position for 3 days without so much as a sneeze. To keep the nausea at bay, my room was kept in darkness and without sound. I was allowed no pain medicine other than Tylenol. Those three days were excruciatingly painful because there was no fluid to cushion my brain. I was in so much pain that this very modest woman was asking for her Tylenol suppositories. The first night I remember very clearly. I was in so much pain, I had a nurse assigned to me but I didn’t know how to call her. I couldn’t move my head but I was trying to wave and ask for something. Anything to help with the pain. I had cried so many tears that I was literally out of them. She never responded and I couldn’t take the pain any longer. I was praying. Chanting because I couldn’t think straight. All I knew to do was say the name of Jesus and I did that over and over again. I heard Him say to me, “Three days.” (That’s how long Jesus was buried) and I also kept hearing “Easter is coming” (Jesus resurrection). I was chanting Jesus and I didn’t hear anyone come in but I see a dark skinned woman who is wearing a burgundy colored smock. Not a nurse but it was the uniform the cleaners wore at the hospital. She puts her hand on me and says, “He hears your call.” It didn’t take the pain away but it brought me such comfort. He heard me. I kept watching for her to tell her thank you. In the entire 10 days I saw all the same crew coming and going but I never saw her again. I personally think it was an angel sent by Jesus letting me know He heard my cry.
Me: When did you know something was wrong?
Gayle: In the beginning, I had no idea it was anything serious. I didn’t even know it could be a brain tumor. I didn’t have a clue. My walking buddy, a friend, she was teasing me. You need to get your hearing checked cuz you are either not listening or you can’t hear! I told her my face had been feeling numb on that side too. She kept telling me to see a doctor.
So I scheduled an appointment. I went in because I thought I had ear wax buildup. I told the doctor, “I’m so embarrassed. You just need to clean my ears out because i’ve bought everything to clear them out and it’s not working.” She said my ears were squeaky clean but I failed her hearing test so she sent me to a specialist.
Me: Were you worried?
Gayle: After the appointment, I thought it might be a little serious when by the time I’d walked down from the 3rd floor to the 1st floor, they were calling me with an MRI appointment already set up. After the MRI, I was so sure there was nothing wrong with me that I called to get my results while I was teaching a gymnastics class. I was waiting on hold for the doctor while watching my group of eight 3 years olds swing on the rope. So when he told me they saw a mass on the MRI and thought I had something called Acoustic Neuroma, I was like, “Excuse me?”
Me: What emotions did you feel? How did you respond?
Gayle: I was shocked..surprised. I wasn’t knowledgable enough about what they were telling me. I didn’t know enough to be as scared as I should have been.
Me: Did you see God in the process?
Gayle: The dreams. God gave me one and my sister a dream too.
When I found out, my doctor called to get my into UT Southwestern, the best at brain surgery, they couldn’t even SEE me until the summer, months later. My family was freaking out.
Then, my sister had a dream about a friend of hers who is an oral surgeon. She woke up from it and felt like she needed to call him which is funny because we needed a brain surgeon not an oral surgeon. She calls him anyway and says I don’t even know why I am calling you but my sister needs a brain surgeon, can you help? Even though he was an oral surgeon, he happened to intern for one of the best neurologists during college AND his roommate in college was now the top brain surgeon at UT Southwestern. He said, “I can get your sister into either one.” And he did. That was on a Wednesday morning. I worked double shifts that day. My sister called me and said “Go now. He will see you right now.” I had a break before my next shift so I drove to Dallas. The waiting room is full of people but they showed me in right away. The first doctor on the team I saw, well, he kind of looked like Albert Einstein. No kidding, he looked like he was 110 years old with these huge goggles strapped around his head. He looks at me through those goggles. It was pretty funny. This is my sister’s friend’s contact and he works on a team that specializes in spinal and lower cranial brain tumors which is exactly where my brain tumor is. I know her dream was from God. Dr. goggles checks me out and then takes me down to see the actual surgeon. The surgeon tells me I have to quit my job that day. I couldn’t even go to my evening shift. He suggests a second opinion. That’s what you do when you have brain surgery so I went to the other recommendation from my sister’s friend but I knew God had made it black and white. It was the first team of doctors who spent all the time with me.
Then God gave me a dream. In my dream, I could see the bible and it was open to a scripture. It was on the top left hand side of the page.
I prayed in my dream please let me remember this verse. I saw a vision of the scripture reference. Psalm 30:8-12 I woke up and I ran to my bible to look up the verse. It was in the exact same spot where I saw it in my dream. Top left hand side.
The verse was Psalm 30:8-12 “I cried out to you, O Lord. I begged the Lord for mercy, saying “What will you gain if I die, if I sink into the grave? Can my dust praise you? Can it tell of your faithfulness?Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me. Help me, O Lord. You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!
It was total confirmation to me no matter what I was going to go through I was not going to die. This thing was not going to take me. Not this.
From then on, after my dream, I went on with 100% confidence. I wasn’t scared at all.
People asked me if I wrote my kids letters in case I didn’t make it. No, I didn’t go there. I went and got my nails done. I told my kids I loved them, The day before surgery I was up at the church until 2 am getting my kids room at church ready for my replacement. Butch, my husband, and i prayed. I wasn’t scared. I was coming out of surgery alive.
Me: You knew the end of the story.
Gayle: Yes, God did not clue me in on a lot of the details I would have to go through but I knew I was coming out alive.
Me: What are the details you didn’t know?
Gayle: Oh so many.
Me: This was a fight for your life?
Gayle: You have no idea. That time in my life was beyond crazy. It was bizarre. It almost got comical. I told God too many times to count: my name is not Job!
My son broke his hand during that time. A week before my surgery, I was doing an easter egg hunt at church. My husband called me and told me his mom was killed in a tragic car accident. We buried his mom on a Saturday and my surgery was scheduled for a few days later. All this started with a check up at my regular doctor so I was also sent for a mammogram. I had 3 mammograms that were abnormal so along with visiting surgeons for my brain tumor I was also going to a breast surgeon for a diagnostic mammogram. The day she was going to call me was the day I was having brain surgery. I said, “Well, you’re going to have to call my husband with the results so, if i’m alive, he’ll let me know and we’ll take care of that next.” He did get the call while I was in surgery that everything was fine. The whole ordeal was rough on me but I’m not sure it wasn’t rougher on my husband and family.
Me: Has your faith changed because of this experience?
Gayle: I see now God had prepared me. Years before, my brother had a motorcycle accident and had to have brain surgery. My parents called us and told us to go in a room, shut the door and get on our knees and pray because that is the only way my brother would make it and he did make it. I learned from that day on that God could do anything that was in His will.
So from the time I learned of the brain tumor, I knew that God was able to heal me if it was part of His plan. I knew from my brother’s accident and healing where I had to draw my strength from. I was shown that by my parents.
Me: Did Any christians give you well-meaning advice that was hurtful or not helpful?
Gayle: Actually no, I am a very private person so I told no one. My immediate family and inner circle were the only people who knew at first. In our marriage small group, we were going through Beth Moore’s study called “Daniel.” It was about when we have a fire in our lives. The study said God would either take it away completely, He would take us around the fire or He would walk with us straight through it. It talks about Daniel and his friends coming out of the fire and he didn’t even smell like smoke. My husband and I, our goal, was, if he walks us straight through this fire, that we would come out of this not smelling like smoke.
Me: So you leaned on your church?
Gayle: laughed. No, not at first, I didn’t even put my brain tumor on the prayer list. Everyone has an opinion on what you should do in a situation like this and I didn’t want to hear the chatter. I was very cautious. The few Christians that I told were the friends that I knew were going to actually pray for me…not talk about me/pray for me but really pray.
During that time I got a sense of human kindness I’d never had an opportunity to receive. I am one of those I can do everything kind of girls but while I was recovering I was now a girl who couldn’t do anything for herself. My sister left her 4 kids and husband in Atlanta to help me and she took care of all my duties at home while her church took care of her family in Atlanta. My parents took care of me so my family was a big help but many others too. The word did get out about my tumor and my community rallied around me. The day of my surgery to remove the tumor, we got to the hospital at 3:30 in the morning and there were 3 men from our church waiting for us in the parking lot to pray for me. At 3:30 in the morning!
A woman I didn’t really know brought my son home from school every day. The words of encouragement. The emails. The food. It was overwhelming the kindness of people. Financially I saw amazing miracles. I had to quit my job. My husband had a new job and was just starting out but he had great insurance which helped out with the medical bills. My family gave us $10,000 and it lasted us an entire year which is impossible.
What would you want to share with others you learned after going through this journey?
Life’s not perfect. That in itself has been a struggle. I got the promise but it didn’t look like what I thought it would look like. There was another surgery for my eye. I lost feeling in the left side of my face permanently. I looked like a stroke victim. My vision in left eye is not same. The left side of my mouth feels like I just went to the dentist and it’s numb but I’m here. I’ve alive and I can’t focus on what I don’t have. I have to focus on what I do have. I focus on the positive. I got to see my kids grow up.
After surgery, I hated getting my picture taken. Before the surgery, scrapbooking was my favorite hobby but afterwards I didn’t want to be in photos. Here’s this 40 year old woman before that had this huge smile and now I don’t look the same. Years later and I still have the marks from the battle. My battle scars. My husband has to deal with this too. I wasn’t who he married. We went on this cruise and my husband knew I didn’t like my picture to be taken so he was trying to protect me when he told the photographer we didn’t want a picture. He was trying to be nice. Trying to protect me but I was crushed and cried in the bathroom. For almost a year, I wasn’t in a picture. But I was determined that satan was not going to steal that from me. I had to overcome. I had to snap out of it. People say they can’t tell my face is different but kids are honest, “Why does your face look like that?”
Me: Did you ever ask Why me?
Gayle: No, it was a win-win either way. I know where i’m going. I leave here and I am going straight into the hands of Jesus. What would make me sad is to leave my family and my kids behind. My kids were 13, 11 and 8 at the time. He trusted me enough with this that I could do it. Some people would be destroyed. I felt honored that I got chosen to walk through this. I’m changed though. I wouldn’t want to do it again and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else but I wouldn’t trade the experience for the world. The closeness between me and the Lord. I think you have to walk through some fires before you can come close. I was different though. Scarred. I had to do some real soul searching. I have prayed for my face to rejuvenate and heal but I’m at peace. It’s part of my story. It’s part of who I am. I have an opportunity, when people ask me about my face, to share my testimony with them.
Me: If you could sum up that season, what would be the most profound lesson you learned?
Gayle: Hmmm I learned a lot but I would have to say I learned to trust Him. Completely. Everything about that season was out of my control. It was His power and not mine that worked out every detail. Not that He always does it the way I want it to be done. (we both laugh at that one)
Me: What is your relationship like now versus then?
Gayle: I’ve always prayed but now I go to Him first. He’s my best friend. I talk to Him almost constantly. I tell Him all my emotions. When I am mad, sad, happy. I don’t see God as this far away heavenly father but a real Dad. I can snuggle up to Him as a Father. He wants the best for me. I am fortunate enough to have that in my earthly Father too. I know a lot of people who don’t have that and I am grateful because it helped me through that time.
We wrapped up our time together and I considered how close Gayle is to God. It seems that suffering has a superpower to make us more aware of His presence and to have more of a need for Him. We don't realize it but our Spirit has already said yes to the road we walk. Our soul may protest and buck at going down a path that leads to suffering but our Spirit gets to be in control as we choose to TRUST God. That was Gayle’s “take away” from this experience. TRUST. So you may not need physical healing but we all are learning to trust God. I pray that whatever season you are walking through you know how involved and present God is with you. Gayle’s testimony carries God power! Take heart and believe God that He is under control. Ask Him to speak to you about what you are walking through. It may not look exactly like Gayle’s testimony but God will speak to you and He will be with you. He never leaves us and He never forsakes us. That is His promise to those who call upon Him. You can trust God.